That moment when you’re lying in bed at 2 AM, staring at the ceiling, asking yourself for the millionth time: “Should I stay or should I go?”
We’ve all been there. That liminal space where your relationship isn’t quite working, but it’s not completely broken either. Where you’re simultaneously terrified of staying stuck and absolutely petrified of starting over. It’s like being trapped between two scary movies and having to pick which one to watch.
Let’s be real: nobody prepares you for this part. Instagram makes breakups look like glow-ups with revenge bodies and “hot girl summer” energy. But the reality? It’s messy, confusing, and scary as hell.
The Comfortable Misery Trap
Here’s the thing about relationships that aren’t quite right: they can become addictively comfortable. You know exactly what to expect. You’ve memorized their Netflix password, you know how they like their coffee, and you’ve got your routines down to a science. Even if those routines include regular fights about the same three things.
This comfort can feel like love, but sometimes it’s just… familiar. And familiar feels safe, even when it’s slowly suffocating you.
The signs you might be in comfortable misery:
- You can’t remember the last time you felt genuinely excited to see them
- You’ve stopped sharing your real thoughts because “what’s the point?”
- You catch yourself fantasizing about being single more than fantasizing about your future together
- You’re staying because leaving feels harder than staying
The “What If” Spiral
The fear of starting over is real and valid. What if you’re making a huge mistake? What if they were actually “the one” and you’re about to ruin everything? What if you never find someone who loves you this way again?
But here’s what we don’t talk about enough: What if you stay and miss out on something incredible? What if you’re so busy clinging to “good enough” that you never discover “absolutely amazing”?
Questions to ask yourself:
- If this relationship stayed exactly as it is right now for the next five years, how would you feel?
- Are you fighting for the relationship you have, or the one you wish you had?
- When you imagine your future, do they enhance it or just… exist in it?
The Starting Over Myth
Let’s bust this myth right now: starting over doesn’t mean starting from zero. You’re not the same person who entered that relationship. You’ve grown, learned, figured out what you actually want (and what you definitely don’t want). You’re not starting over – you’re starting better.
Yes, re-downloading dating apps feels like digital purgatory. Yes, having to explain your whole life story to someone new is exhausting. Yes, learning someone’s weird quirks all over again can feel daunting.
But you know what’s more exhausting? Staying somewhere you’re not truly happy because change feels scary.
Red Flags vs. Yellow Flags vs. Green Flags
Red flags = Run, don’t walk, to the exit
- Any form of abuse (emotional, physical, financial)
- Consistent disrespect for your boundaries
- Patterns of manipulation or gaslighting
- Addiction issues they refuse to address
Yellow flags = Proceed with caution, but these are workable
- Communication issues you’re both willing to work on
- Different life timelines that could potentially align
- Family drama that affects your relationship
- Lifestyle differences that aren’t deal-breakers
Green flags = Reasons to invest in making it work
- You both actively work on problems together
- You still genuinely like them as a person
- You have shared values and compatible life goals
- The relationship adds joy to your life more than it subtracts
The Practical Stuff Nobody Mentions
Before you make any big decisions, get practical:
Financial reality check: Can you afford to live alone? Do you have shared finances that need untangling?
Living situation: Who’s moving out? How will you handle shared leases or mortgages?
Social circles: How intertwined are your friend groups? Are you prepared for the social awkwardness?
Emotional support: Do you have people in your corner who will show up with ice cream and terrible movies?
Trust Your Gut (No, Really)
Your intuition is probably screaming at you right now. The question is: are you listening?
Sometimes we intellectualize ourselves out of what we already know. We make pro and con lists, ask everyone we know for advice, scroll through relationship Reddit threads at 3 AM. But deep down? You probably already know what you need to do.
The Plot Twist
Here’s something nobody tells you: sometimes the bravest thing you can do is stay and fight for your relationship. If you’re both willing to do the work, if you still light each other up, if the foundation is solid even though the house needs some renovating – that’s worth fighting for.
But if you’re staying out of fear, comfort, or because you think you “should” – that’s not fair to either of you.
Your Permission Slip
You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave a relationship that isn’t serving you. You also don’t need anyone’s permission to stay and work on something you believe in.
What you do need is to be honest with yourself about what you’re actually choosing and why.
The only wrong choice is the one you make from fear instead of love – love for yourself, love for them, love for the life you want to build.
The Bottom Line
Whether you stay or go, you’re going to be okay. Humans are remarkably resilient creatures. We adapt, we heal, we grow, we love again.
The question isn’t whether you’ll survive your choice – it’s whether the choice you make aligns with the person you’re becoming and the life you want to live.
Sometimes love means holding on. Sometimes love means letting go. Both take courage.
The only person who can decide which one is right for you is you.
What’s your gut telling you right now?
Ready to navigate love with more clarity? Download Elixr and connect with people who are also figuring it out as they go.